elantriel

Possibly my ALL TIME favourite Poem. Written in 1849 by Adgar Allan Poe, published in 1850. His last poem.

Enjoy.




ANNABEL LEE
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea:
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her high-born kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me -
Yes! that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud one night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we -
Of many far wiser than we -
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling -my darling -my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea -
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

My parents have a really cute "how we first me" story.

The were at a Ten Pin Bowling Alley with their respective friends a few lanes away from each other. My Mum stepped up for her turn to bowl and ended up falling and following the ball half way down the alley. My Dad saw and went and literally picked her up off the alley. And they've been together ever since (35 years as husband and wife and nearly 40 years all up) .

I loved him from the first moment I saw him, from the very first words he spoke to me. I dreamed of our life together, of our happily ever after like in the movies. A girl always gets her happily ever after, or at least that’s what they want you to believe. Even now, I dream of a future that doesn’t exist. Of having a happily ever after. Stupid really.

I dream of relationships that don’t exist, of a future that doesn’t exist or a life that will never eventuate. At least once each day I put all my hopes and dreams in the basket of living happily ever after with the man of my dreams, until reality hits and I see that there is no happily ever after for me. There is no man for me.

I put too much time into dreaming of something that will never exist. I see the people around me, the happy people and although I envy them for the happiness they have with the person who loves them I also hate them.....for having something that I will never have.

They say the second you stop looking for something the sooner you find it......its a load of bullshit. Because I stopped looking for love, for happiness a long time ago and it hasn’t found me.....its not even looking for me.

It seems to be a catch 22 for me....I am happy in life, with a boyfriend, with friends and I cant write, not even ramblings. I am depressed, upset, alone and with limited friends and I seem to write my best. Seems completely unfair doesn’t it.....I am happy with my life and I suck at my dream....my life sucks and I’ve never written better. It seems to be one or the other for me. So would I be ok with living a happy life and never writing again or is it having a crappy life and writing the best work I’ve ever written?

My life is fiction. I live in a world of my own. What chance do I have at happiness for myself when my life is stuck in this fictional world that no one knows but me, that no one else is in but me.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. But I don’t want to waste my time on relationships that aren’t going to last. I am sick of playing the field, I am sick of looking and I am sick of waiting......I think everyone who knows me will agree love doesn’t work well for me.

I am scared to go out and find “Mr Right” whatever that means....because with my history he’ll  only ever be very very wrong.

Did I give up on my chance to be happy? Did I sacrifice my chance to be happy just because I wasn’t strong enough to stick with it? Does happiness exist for me? Or is it just  something that everyone else gets to have and something that I’ll never reach? Does happiness exist for everyone? Does love exist for everyone? Does love exist for me?

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Or is it never ending?

I don’t think I am strong enough to be alone and I know from the past that I am not strong enough to be true to myself in a relationship.

My whole existence is a catch 22. Pathetic and depressing. So why am I here? Is it just someone’s idea of a sick joke? Cause if it is.......its not funny.

Misery is my only comfort.....and what kind of a comfort is that?

I sent the following in an email to a group of my friends and family, only I realised it was on too small a scale so I am posting it here and I hope you too will pray for Lyn and Grant.

 I know you all have your own things to deal with but if you could read the following it would be greatly appreciated.

 Grant, a guy I work with, his wife Lyn has stomach cancer. She's been sick for months now; with each Doctor telling her that nothing was wrong with her. Not one Doctor could explain why for 12 weeks she couldn’t keep anything down and why she kept loosing weight and become frail. Finally a Specialist told her she has stomach cancer, and a very aggressive one to boot. She's just started her first round of chemotherapy. Her feeding tube keeps getting blocked, so she was told she had to try eating as normal, which is basically useless with the state she is in at the moment. Both her and Grant have a very positive view on the whole situation even though at every road they cross they have many issues with hospital staff and Doctors. She is to have her stomach removed in about 9 weeks after her chemotherapy is finish. Hopefully by then the cancer will be small enough and not cause the surgeon too many problems during surgery, which will go for about 3 and a half hours, which is also extremely life threatening to her. Once her stomach is removed and all her organs basically reshuffled, she will only be able to eat small amounts (snack amounts) for the rest of her life. Which both Lyn and Grant seem to think will be heaven if they ever get through all the rigmarole that they are living through each day at the moment.

 I am completely in awe of these two amazing people who have been going through hell the last few months and looks like will continue to travel through hell for a few more months to come.

 So I am asking all of you to please pray for Lyn and Grant as they travel this nightmare of a path for the next few months. I ask you to pray for both Lyn and Grants strength and for God to hold Lyn close to him and look over her and help the Chemotherapy to do its job and shrink the cancer, and for God to have his hands in the surgeons hands when he operates on Lyn in a few months.

 I understand that none of you know the people I am talking about, but no ones story has touched me as much as Lyn and Grants. They are both in their 50's and its taken Grant 3 marriages to find his soul mate, the woman that God created for him. I just ask you all to pray that his soul mate isn’t taken away from him just yet, after all they are still pretty much newlyweds. Such a remarkable couple should get a whole lifetime to spend together....their lifetime together is only just starting.

 I suppose at this point I am just getting to the stage of begging, but if that’s what it takes then that’s what I'll do. I beg all who read this to pray for Lyn and Grant everyday for their strength and for the Doctors and hospital workers trying to save Lyn's life. Please pray for this unique couple, because this woman will not stop fighting even though the last few months have been unbearable for her and this man will do whatever it takes to save the woman he loves, even if that means venting his frustration to everyone else so that he can be the strong man he has to be when he's with her.

 I thank all of you for your prayers and for putting Lyn in the best of hands, God’s; because after all the only hands to be in when you’re fighting for your life, is God’s.

 God Bless you all. And thank you.

  Periwinkle Ribbon - Stomach Cancer Awareness Ribbon

I've heard many people say that life can change in an instant.....but I am more inclined to think that majority of the time, life doesn’t really change at all, rather it’s us that change.

 

We are the ones that make life harder for ourselves, by either making the wrong choices or by ignoring the right ones, by leaving things behind or by not letting things go. In life there is only one person we can blame for the life that we are in and that is ourselves. If you have a crappy life it’s because you've made choices that have lead you there. Of course I don’t believe that all of life's crap-ness is all your own fault, I mean there are people out there who are assaulted and attacked and its not like they asked to be assaulted or attacked, that is not their fault and they had no control over it. What I am talking about is how they choose to get up and dust themselves off that either makes their life worth living or makes it a cave to hibernate in.

 

My life today; my unhappiness, I have to blame on myself and no one else. It’s my choice that I don’t have a partner, not that I am all that unhappy about that at the present time. It’s my fault that I am not following my dream and writing a novel. It’s my fault that a lot of my old great friends have disappeared (also partly their's but still mine too). It’s my fault that sometimes I cling to things, people and memories that I shouldn’t and it’s my fault that I become obsessed with things for a period of time and then forget about it entirely.

 

Our lives change because we make either a conscious or sub-conscious decision to make it change. We decide to break off relationships or start new ones, we decide to end a friendship when things are just beyond your control as a friend to help, we decide what career path to take, what to do this weekend, what perspective to take on a situation. Life doesn’t change around us. It’s the decisions we make as human beings that changes our lives and the lives of others.

 

You can’t change what some people choose to do or how they choose to act and you cant save everyone even though you try your hardest, pray every second of every day about it or feel guilty about it. Each person has their own path to take and the decisions they make effect that path and sometimes its necessary to detach yourself from a person because they are taking a path that you don’t condone, can’t bear to see them take and can’t sway them back onto a better path.

 

If life sucks, it’s because that is the way you are viewing it. At the moment I am in between, life sucks and life is pretty good right now. I have my moments when I am happy with the way my life is and moments when I just wish that my dreams would come true, because then I will be truly happy......but will I. I can’t blame the world or my best friend or my family for my current view that life sucks....the only person I can blame is myself because I am currently the only person keeping me from my dream. I am the one who is stopping myself from putting my work out there for adulation or rejection. I am the only one holding myself back from the possible success of a published novel because I have chosen to believe that my writing is not worthy enough and have chosen to believe that I would get nothing but rejection letters from publishers.

 

Life is simply what you make it. If there is something about your life that you don’t like, then do whatever you can to correct it. If you want to be a writer then take the plunge, write and submit your work to a publisher *ignoring my own advice as usual*. If you want to be a musician, work hard to get as great as you can and then audition for as many record companies as you can. Or if all you want is to work up the success ladder at your current job, then work as hard as you can, learn all that you can and start climbing that ladder.

 

I am in no way saying that life is easy because I know that it definitely isn’t. It’s not like a TV show where a problem that had you wanting to scream and fight last week is all ok this week. Life is hard. We’ve just got to learn how to make it as smooth as possible. Life is not perfect. We’ve just got to learn to make perfection out of something not so perfect. Life is an obstacle course. We’ve just got to learn the best way around the track and remember what might be a great way for someone else might be a terrible way for you. We all have our own ways around this obstacle course we call life and we will all take a wrong turn at some point or another but we just have to learn to pick ourselves up, help others when we can and try our best to put the best spin on the wrong turn that we can. Because every wrong turn in life is a lesson for the future. How do you want to look at your life?  A day by day, just trying to get by without being noticed. A way to live out all your dreams. A journey to become the best person you can be in the best view of life that you can see. Or a stuff up by the rest of the world to screw you over. You choose your life. So start making some choices.

Isn’t it funny how the simplest/smallest things can remind you of something or someone so important to you either past or present?

Its a bit cold at work today so I decided to make myself a Milo, something I only usually do in the dead of winter and usually in a travel mug because I usually forget its there and if its in a normal mug goes stone cold.  But today for some reason I made my unusual cup of winter Milo in an actual mug. I know there is nothing exciting or grand about that but just the process of making a mug of Milo in a normal mug reminded me of a time in my life, nearly 5 years ago now and I just found it strange that something this simple and normally insignificant made me reminisce.

Reminisce about standing in my kitchen making a Milo for me and one for my boyfriend at the time. I remember him always saying that I made Milo so much better then he did. Now I've never been sure whether he told me that because he truly meant it or because he just didn’t want to get up to do it himself. But every time he tasted the first sip of Milo he asked me how I managed to make such a great cup of Milo and every time I would tell him it was because I made that Milo with love. Corny and lame I know but in the spirit of honesty I always took more care in making his then I did with my own. After making his Milo I would sprinkle the granules of Milo on the top to give it that little extra chocolate sweetness flavour. Today without even realising, as if just out of automatic mode I sprinkled the granules of Milo on top of my drink.

I know this probably seems stupid to everyone who reads this but just that simple act reminded me of so much of my old life; it was like a sudden montage of memories of him and me flying in my head, like they do on TV shows when someone is remembering something. I've never had that feeling before, when you remember something so perfectly that you feel like you are still there.

It’s just really strange to think how something that simple that I've done probably a hundred times since we were together, today made me remember and feel connected again.

 

 

Given that today is Valentines Day I feel urged to write something, why I am not sure but I do and so I am.

 

I am a little bit cynical about Valentines Day and not just because  I am single at the moment. Even when I have a boyfriend I am not really all that jazzed about the "holiday". Ok let’s deal with this firstly how can you call a day a holiday when you still have to go to work. A holiday is time away from work. Secondly, why should we "celebrate" love on a single day? Why does love need to be commercialised for people to celebrate it. Love should be celebrated everyday in everything you do for that person you love. Love is not about flowers, jewellery or any other material gifts. It is about the gift of giving yourself to another person, sharing with them all your secrets, worries and even regrets. Don’t get me wrong I am a girl who loves flowers, chocolates and jewellery but I don’t believe that people should be pressured into giving this stuff by flower companies and jewellery stores.

 

My friend Nuggy sent me an email today. To say that one of our friends sent him a "Happy Valentines Day" sms. He replied by saying "Happy Singles Awareness Day", this is by far the best description for Valentines Day if you are single. For the singles it’s basically just a way for the taken percentage of the population to rub it in once again that they are happy and we as singles are apparently not happy. To be honest, the only day I haven’t been happy so far this year as a single is today. It’s not because I secretly wanted someone to send me a rose or teddy bear, or because there are red hearts everywhere and messages of love on the radio....it’s because today proves to me just what I am not missing out on and that depresses me. I look at today and see the commercialisation of love and happiness and it saddens me to think that those people who are getting roses etc today will only ever get roses on Feb 14. It saddens me to think of all those people out there who feel obligated to buy their love an expensive gift because they will be judged as a insensitive person if they don’t. It saddens me to think that all these women around the world are happy today only to have that kind of happiness disappear til next Feb 14. People all around the world felt obligated today to spend their cash on teddy bears that will be given to the Salvos in a year or two, on cards that will be recycled next week, on jewellery that will be replaced with next years present, on flowers that will not last out the week.

 

The singles. Today they are reminded of just that, they're single. They are alone and supposedly sad that they are alone. The fact that the taken people assume that the singles are depressed and unhappy is the only thing that makes then depressed and unhappy. That the coupled people think that one can’t be happy alone, especially on Valentines Day is what makes us unhappy. Some of us feel free to be alone and some of us prefer to be alone on Valentines Day more then any other day of the year, because we are then not sucked into the pressure of the day. Our day doesn’t have to be perfect, filled with the colour of red everywhere, hearts everywhere, teddy bears, sparkling jewellery, colourful flowers and loving messages. We don’t need to brag to our colleagues and friends that we are in love or that we are loved.

 

Some of us don’t need a "holiday" to tell the ones we love that we love them and appreciate them. Some of us choose to show our love and appreciation to our partners everyday, by taking out the garbage, helping with dinner, sending little "love you" text messages or emails. This may not sound as beautiful as Valentines Day but these people are the ones that are truly happy because in their own little way they celebrate Valentines Day everyday of the year. Some of us don’t need the expensive dinner and jewellery. Some of us would just like a simple dinner and movie night with chocolates and a single flower, and some of us prefer that this not be on Valentines Day for the simple fact that that way we know you're doing it because you want to and not because your commercially pressured too.

 

I love getting jewellery, teddy bears, chocolate and flowers from a guy, it is one of the best feelings in the world, but it’s a much better feeling when you know he’s given it to you because he thought you’d like it rather then because everyone else around the world was doing it that day too and he didn’t want to seem stingy or unloving to everyone else.

 

Valentines Day should be celebrated everyday in each couples own little way, not in the florist and jewellery stores way.

 

I've been really slack when it comes to my friends lately. 

Renee: I got a present for my friends birthday  which was October 9th, I also got a birthday (December 22nd) and Christmas present for her beautiful daughter.....I still have those presents today. I've been too lazy, tired, busy, whatever to go and see her. Ok, I mean I am not sure where about she's living now, she moved not long ago, but all I have to do is ring her and then go and see her, which I should do before she gives birth to the next bub in March. I will go see her before the end of January, I promise.

Jessie: I havent contacted another one of my friends back who wants to catch up, but that's mainly because catching up usually means spending tones of cash shopping with her and at this point with buying land and soon to be building a house I dont really have the cash to "catch up". But i suppose thats not excuse. I mean we could for once just hang at her place or mine and not spend any money at all. I will ring her this weekend, I promise.


Lisa: Another friend sent me a huge long email the other day about what happened to her in 2007. Apparently she got engaged and although we havent seen each other in a while, she didnt tell me when it happened, which I am rather upset about cause we use to be great friends. I have to reply to her email and tell her how I feel about not being informed about her life changing decision until 4 months after the fact. I will email her before the end of the long weekend and will ask her if she wants to catch up....if she does we will get together. TIme limit obviously cant be given because I dont know when she's available to get together or even if she wants too.

Uncle Jim: I also have to go and see another friend of mine to see how he is feeling, since someone told me he is unwell again at the moment. Then once he is better I have to take him out to the property and show him around. I will go and see him by the end of January.

Jon: And last but not least. I have to either call or hang out with another mate of mine. He's been a hermit ever since his break up and I havent spoken to him since the week it happened. I am a bit concerned that he's not recovering well from the break up since he hasnt really been out since it happened. I will call him before Saturday to see if he's up for the movies Saturday night. If he is not I will sms or ring him once every few weeks to ask him to do something. I will not let him become a hermit.



I will email, call or visit these people before the dates I have given run out no matter what happens and no matter how busy I am because these people are my friends and I have been slack towards them long enough. I will endeavour to be a better friend to these people. I promise.

I love to write. I love putting my fingers on the keys of my laptop and having them move faster then my conscience mind can think. I love having written something having no clue what I've written until I've read over it. I love not knowing what my fingers are typing until its finished. It feels like a huge accomplishment to have all my thoughts and feelings displayed out onto the screen, thoughts and feelings that I didn't realise that I had until I saw it up on the screen in front of me.

But what sucks for me at the moment is the fact that I cant write anything. Yes, I realise I am writing this but I would perfer not to write about not being able to write. I hate the fact that at the moment I put my fingers on the keys and absolutely nothing happens. There is no thought or feeling there that wants to be expressed. So why cant I express the thoughts and feelings I know I have in my sub-conscience somewhere. I know I have some thought or feeling about something because my mood changes twenty times a day.

So why do these thoughts and feelings not want to make themselves known to me?

Why cant I just write? Why cant I just have the inspiration or muse to write?

Do I really have to be miserable and lost again to be able to write something? Do I really have to have to suffer to be able to get some sort of inspiration or muse to write something that means something? All my poetry, all my thoughts and even my NaNoWriMo novel were all written with pain, anger and emotions at boiling point. Am I doomed to live the rest of my life never being able to write anything that means anything again because I am happy or am I doomed to write the best works of my life but not be able to enjoy it because I am so utterly depressed with my life.

So is it writing crap but being happy thats destined for my life or is it writing something memorable and meaningful but being utterly depressed for my life. 

But honestly how can I be happy in life if I cant write???

 

So we’ve reached another year. Its now 2008 and another year has flown past. It feels like only yesterday that I was at the 2005/2006 New Years Party and now the 2007/2008 New Years Eve is over with. So the traditional thing to do now I suppose is to write a list of New Year Resolutions, which I feel is really redundant and superficial because no one ever keeps their New Years Resolutions. But its tradition, so we all do it anyway, even though we know that in a few weeks those much loved Resolutions will go out the window not to be seen until the next New Year starts.

 

So does anyone actually keep their New Years Resolutions??? I know I never have. I still bite my nails after years of Resolutions not too. I still think about the future even though there is no point to it as it will never turn out the way I wish it too and I still promise myself I will read all those books during the year and I will write as much as I can, but all these Resolutions fry right out of the window once work starts and once everyone is back from holidays and you’re trying your hardest to keep in touch but also keep your personal space so that you have time to rest and you don’t wear yourself out especially considering it will probably be another six months til your next holiday.

 

But its tradition right? So here we go, my New Years Resolutions for 2008.

1. Don’t let New Years Resolutions fly out the window or go down the drain.
2. Write more often (Yes, this ones here again)
3. Read at least 2 Kathy Reichs novels not including the one I already started last year and at least one other book (magazines don’t count, besides I never read them either)
4. Exercise more (Probably a bit easier this year since I’ll be doing jobs at our property/house)
5. Remove all bad influences and/or non-like minded people from my life
6. Spend more time with my real friends
7. Make it to at least 25,000 words in NaNoWriMo this year

 

Now, I bet that not one of these Resolutions is complete or lived up to by the end of 2008 and I bet that no one else’s will be either, with exception to those true-to-themselves-people who know what they can achieve in a year and what they cant. But I am unfortunately not one of these people; I would have to say that within the next 3 months all these Resolutions will be well on their way out the window or down the drain. So why make these Resolutions in the first place? Well, apart from the tradition factor it is in our nature not to perpetuate things, well its in my nature even if not in yours. I mean honestly the last thing I finished, successfully, was 2007 but that was purely because I can’t stop time from ticking by. But then again I don’t know I’d really classify 2007 as successful. So lets examine those factors.

 

2007 Breakdown:

• I started the year in a semi-successful relationship. By less half way through the year it was dramatically unsuccessful and was on the road to ruin, which I helped along by putting the road right over a cliff before the long dreaded journey of trying to rescue it came into play (something’s can not be and should not be rescued).
• I went from belonging to a youth group and church to belonging to disappointment and nothingness. The youth group went into disrepair by the useless non-Salvationist “leader” (and I use that term very loosely) and the church let it happen right in front of them leading me to believe that neither the church, its leaders nor the youth leader cared about saving the youth group or the youth that congregated every week rain, hail or shine.
• I had nearly paid off my car and all debts by the beginning of 2007 and by the end….I am $81,000 in debt. However, this is a good thing because it now means I officially own 37.5% of a 1600m² piece of land in Hampton Ridge Cooranbong J
• I gained an official Sister-in-law this year when Lance married Kristi in March, of which I was a bridesmaid in, my first ever wedding related duty, which went fairly successfully.
• I read 2 Kathy Reichs novels as well as Michael J Fox’s Lucky Man Biography and brought many more books that I haven’t had the chance to read yet.
• I started 2007 with a pretty serious pain staking back injury and left it with a minor if even there slightly aching back injury. Dr Chai has turned a nasty car accident and incurring injury into a slight back ache every one in a blue moon event J
• I attempted the NaNoWriMo in 2007 and although I did not make it to the event goal of 50,000 words I did however write my longest every piece of work, which spanned about 23 pages and reached 13,058 words. Now I am not saying that the novel I wrote was good or made sense, specifically because I haven’t been brace enough to re-read it yet, but I made the effort to reach the worldwide goal and reached my own goal of 10,000.

 

All in all I suppose I have to put 2007 down as a success even with the ex-boyfriend factor. But even with that fact I had a pretty good year. I mean it had its ups and it had its downs some downs seemed to be trying to make their way to China, but they all made their way back to the surface of earth once again, and I ended 2007 on a pretty good note and after a pretty good, in fact possibly one of the best in the last 10 years, birthday I’ve had.

 

I just hope that this year, 2008, ends up better then 2007 and that by this time next year (2009 yikes!!!) I’ll be just as happy if not happier with 2008 then I am with 2007.

Its hard to believe that its nearly Christmas. I got up this morning to my brother telling me it was the last day of work for the year and I had a hard time believing this, because to me it only feels like October. I mean the weather we've been having here doesnt reflect summer or Christmas. We've had tops of only about 27 degrees and its been raining, well sprinkling nearly every day. Usually we'vve had 30 plus degree days with no rain and its usually as humid as anything. 

I see the Christmas tree in my lounge room every morning and I still dont believe it.It just doesnt feel like the Christmas season and I just dont feel the Christmas spirit, which is really sad. I even watched every Santa Clause movie I could find, love the Santa Clause movies starring Tim Allen, and even then my Christmas spirit only lasted about a day or two. Bah, Humbug!!!

I think I was about six or seven when I stopped believing in Santa Clause. I can only remember it vaguely. I was in Cootamundra in my parents room. I guess I was searching for the Christmas presents I'd asked my parents for. I looked behind my mothers full length mirror that sat in one of the corners of the room. As I peeked behind the mirror I saw it. It was a huge big pink box, as all Barbie stuff is pink. It was the Barbie Horse Trailer and Carivan, but wait a minute, I'd asked Santa for that not Mum and Dad. My little young mind thought it through for a while then come to the conclusion that Santa must have told Mum and Dad I'd wanted it. Santa must have had an idea for a better present for me, so he told Mum and Dad about the Barbie Horse Trailer and Carivan so that he could give me something else. I was content with this conclusion and went on my merry way. 

Christmas morning. Mum was handing out the presents as she always did. She slid a huge present to me wrapped in beautifyl Christmas paper. I read the tag on top of the present "To Melanie, from Santa." I got all excitied thinking that Santa had brought me something awesome that year. I ripped open the paper only to find the Barbie Horse Trailer and Carivan. And thats the day I realised Santa didnt exist. I cant remember if my parents figured it out or what happened the next Christmas, but I do remember that day however vague it may be.

But even today I still think about how cool it would be if he actually did exist.

So, life kinda sucks when you have to start from the beginning again, yet its very exciting. The unknown of what will happen and the thought of how things are meant to be and how off track you are right about now after that detour you just made. My detour is over as of a month ago, now its just a matter of finding the location of where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. I wonder if this is actually where I am meant to be. Well all I do know for sure is that it was meant to happen and although I wish things could have gone differently I know this is what was meant to happen. I was not meant to end up in that life I know that for sure. It wasn’t meant to be and it wasn’t going to be my life. I think I knew that from the start but I guess I was just trying to find something that wasn’t there instead of waiting for what should be there. I should have known from the first day, considering the circumstances of that night, but I guess I just wasn’t meant to at the time. And from now on my family and best mates opinions will count for a lot more then what they have in the past.

 

I don’t regret a thing because life is meant to be lived and you cant truly live until you’ve made mistakes to learn from and grow from.  I have made many mistakes in my 21 short years and lost a lot of people who meant the world to me because of it, but maybe that was their part in my life, just a fleeting friend to help me along that road. I wish some of these friends could have stayed, but I guess that may just not have been the plan for them and me.

 

I just pray that I grow from this and become a better, more stable person in who I am and what I stand for. I will not let another person persuade me into something that I don’t agree with spiritually or morally. I realise that it is not some peoples intention to do this but I tend see that that is what they want and I subconsciously bend to their will without me or them realising it until its way too late.

 

Life is hard and is meant to be, I am sure of that. If everything was easy we’d get bored too easily and we’d never learn anything and we’d never grow. I cant say I like to make mistakes cause that’s just ridiculous, but I do like the lessons learnt and the time spent figuring life out all over again. I like the new perspective on things and the new feeling of things. Everything seems so broken and dull at times but also so together and positive, how it can be both…I am not sure, but it is.

 

New beginnings are a good thing. You can get some of the old you back as well as keep some of the new and improved parts of you. You can get back to your roots, to the things you loved but sacrificed for the other person and maybe even find something new to pass the time when things just don’t seem possible to move on from. And if you’re lucky rekindle an old passion that was put by the wade side a long time ago.

 

Those dreams you had might still be possible just in a different way or context to what you thought it would be. Maybe it might be better then what you thought and it might drive you to achieve that dream more that what you were before. Maybe this is just what you needed to give you a shove in the right direction, into the place you are truly meant to be. And maybe this is just the beginning of something you never thought of dreaming of. Maybe this is all you wanted and more…you just hadn’t realised it before.

 

You, now, might get the chance to rekindle a friendship with someone lost and missed, someone that you thought previously you could not forgive. Because maybe you’ve just realised that everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance, as you hope people might feel about you one day.

 

Life is full of twists and turns, we just have to hold on, go with the flow, make the choices we believe are the best for us and pray that we end up where we are meant to be at the end of it all.

Who am I? Where am I meant to be right now? How do I get back on track? Where is the track I am meant to be on? What am I meant to be doing? Am I meant to be following my dream and become a writer? Am I meant to stay in a mediocre job like everyone else and just scrap by? Is writing just meant to be a hobby for me, somewhere to escape when the trails of life get too hard or am I meant to publish my work to help others escape those trails? Life has too many questions and not nearly enough answers. I guess all I can do is live each day as it comes and hope that I end up where I am meant to be and with the answers I am meant to have.